San Antonio ♥️

We went to San Antonio this weekend… well, before I talk about that, I want to mention—I could really spend my life writing. (Random.) But “life gets in the way.” 🙄 I don’t like that phrase, “life gets in the way,” for a few reasons. One being: we make time for stuff—things, people, etc. So nothing really gets in the way… unless it does, and we let it. But ADHD. 🙄 But that’s another subject for another day. Maybe.

Anyways, the reason I say I could spend my life writing is because, as I started writing this post, I felt the urge to open up and say EVERYTHING—every bit of my experience in San Antonio. Not just that, but the story behind it… the why. But I’ll share just a little bit.

So, the first and last time I was in San Antonio, I was five or six years old, and I only remember bits and pieces of that visit. But all throughout my life, I’ve had this feeling of “I belong in Texas,” and the city that always called out to me, in my heart, was San Antonio.

I can’t really explain what I felt being there this weekend. Oddly, I felt… at home. As if my ancestors lived there long ago. Walking through a downtown street felt like I’d walked that street before. It was just… an odd feeling. I know that wasn’t explained quite right, but yeah—hopefully you understand what my soul is trying to say.

INTERRUPTION: I just finished having a conversation with ChatGPT. I’ll copy and paste:

ME: What is this feeling called? Let me explain…
So I went to San Antonio, and as I was walking through the street, it felt weird—as if (wait, let me say this first: I’ve never been to San Antonio before—although I did visit when I was 5 years old for a couple days)—but while walking, it felt (I’ll TRY to explain)… I felt like I belonged there. I was comfortable. But let’s go deeper—it felt like if my parents or ancestors would’ve made different choices in their life, I would’ve been born and raised there. As if San Antonio was, or would’ve been, my hometown in another life? It felt like my hometown.

CHATGPT:
The feeling you’re describing is often called déjà vécu, which goes beyond typical déjà vu. While déjà vu is the sense that you’ve seen something before, déjà vécu involves the feeling that you’ve experienced an entire situation or place deeply, as though you truly belonged there in another life or alternate reality.

What you felt also aligns with a concept known as anemoia—nostalgia for a place or time you’ve never actually experienced. It’s a mix of familiarity, comfort, and a sense of “what could have been.” It’s almost as if you’re connected to an alternate version of your own story, one that might have unfolded in San Antonio if things had gone differently.

There’s also a term in psychology, cryptomnesia, where a faint, often forgotten memory—like a childhood visit—can resurface and create a sense of familiarity, even if you don’t consciously remember it. Your experience seems to sit at the intersection of all these ideas: the feeling of a past that’s both familiar and foreign, connected to a place that feels almost like home.

This right here: “As if you’re connected to an alternate version of your own story—one that might have unfolded in San Antonio if things had gone differently.” I felt that one.

I also want to add—my dad, and his siblings (my aunts and uncles), lived in San Antonio growing up. I asked my dad, and he said he lived in the center of San Antonio. He mentioned Commerce, and also Guadalupe Street. He still has a couple cousins who live there—I met them sometime decades ago. I know they have families… but I don’t know them personally.

San Antonio is now a place I would live in. And I don’t say that lightly. I would only live in very specific places… which is why I have no idea what I’m doing in Houston. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ The only other places I would live permanently are Los Angeles, Las Vegas, and Phoenix—but now I’ve added San Antonio to the list. As if I already knew that.

What’s interesting is that my eight-year-old son told my husband that he was getting used to San Antonio, and that we were going to move there. That really got me—since we’ve definitely never mentioned anything about moving there. He said he liked San Antonio.

At the same time San Antonio feels like part of my past… it also feels like it’s time to move on.

We’re spiritual beings, and if we listen closely, we just know certain things—without fully knowing or understanding. I wouldn’t say I now want to move to San Antonio. But I analyze these things. San Antonio felt like when I go back home to Phoenix—it feels like home. Except… I know ‘nothing’ about San Antonio….